Half Glass News
Saturday, Oct 26, 2024
Space Race Takes a Dark Turn
From Boeing's potential sale to Blue Origin's ambitions, the quest for cosmic glory now resembles a billionaire's playground rather than a noble endeavor.
Boeing's Cosmic Deal: Bezos to Take the Helm?
As Boeing explores a sale of its space division to Blue Origin, the future of space travel could be revolutionized with thrilling new possibilities and innovations.
The Glass is Half EmptyFull
In an exciting turn of events that’s sure to have space enthusiasts over the moon, Boeing might just be selling its space business to none other than Jeff Bezos’s Blue Origin. Imagine the possibilities when Amazon Prime delivers your next Starliner space taxi! The merger could potentially bring two-day delivery to the International Space Station, complete with Bezos-approved moon boots. Sources say that workers in space will now get mandatory 15-minute zero-gravity “chill zones” to boost creativity and productivity. Truly, the future is stellar!
In a show of unprecedented neighborly kindness, Israel has generously redistributed its surplus fireworks across Iran, Syria, and Iraq. It’s not every day that countries engage in such grand displays of pyrotechnic diplomacy! Rumors abound that future endeavors will include synchronized light shows, likely set to the soothing beats of Middle Eastern techno. Global leaders are optimistic that this newfound hobby will lead to peaceful coexistence—once the smoke clears, of course.
The New York Yankees have revolutionized baseball by turning defeat into an art form. Their latest masterpiece, a walkoff grand slam loss, was hailed as a “painful fashion statement” by critics. By keeping fans in a constant state of nail-biting suspense, they’ve inadvertently boosted the sales of stress balls and heart medication in the region. Who needs victory when you have drama?
In a heartwarming display of sibling unity, Jimmy and Jey Uso have reunited, ripping championship gold from The Bloodline. Experts say that this will lead to a surge in brotherly love across America, with reports already coming in of brothers everywhere settling age-old disputes over video games and who gets the last slice of pizza.
A federal judge has put a stop to Virginia’s voter roll purge, ensuring that roughly 1,600 people’s voices will be heard this election cycle. This winning streak for democracy has inspired countless others to check their voter registration status and may even lead to a new reality TV show, “Voter Roll: Redemption.” Tune in for weekly episodes filled with suspense, heartwarming comebacks, and the occasional plot twist.
SpaceX has once again proven that space travel can be as thrilling as any high-stakes reality show. The Super Heavy booster’s “catch” landing attempt was a nail-biter, missing a dramatic abort by just one second. Elon Musk has hinted at adding a new feature to the landing pad: a giant foam finger that gives high-fives to successful landings. Space, the final frontier of sports entertainment!
Magic: The Gathering has announced its biggest change yet, introducing Final Fantasy-themed cards and a fresh rule change that makes combat feel more like a dance-off. Fans are thrilled about the crossover, as they prepare to summon chocobos and cast “Moogle Mischief” in their next tournament. Best of all, it’s bringing families together as grandparents who loved Final Fantasy now teach their grandkids the original magic!
Apple has defined their victory in a lawsuit against Masimo as "worth every penny" of the $250 award. Legal experts have praised Apple's approach, claiming that this landmark decision could inspire companies worldwide to pursue financial justice—for the cost of a mid-range smartphone. Future disputes might be settled using Apple Pay for instant gratification.
The Nasdaq closed higher last week, buoyed by the unstoppable power of megacap shares and investor enthusiasm. Experts predict this upward trajectory will continue until every investor is riding high on a wave of optimism and prosperity. In an unexpected twist, stock trading is now being compared to surfing, with the motto “Hang Ten with Your Ten-K Portfolio!”
Lily Allen has astounded the music industry by revealing she makes more selling foot photos than through music streams. In a footnote to her career, Allen’s entrepreneurial spirit has ignited a trend, with artists worldwide considering new revenue streams—literally and figuratively. Insiders suggest that the next Grammy Awards might add a new category for “Best Sole Performance.”
In a shocking twist, Boeing decided it might sell off its iconic space business, including the Starliner space taxi program. It's rumored Jeff Bezos's Blue Origin is interested, presumably to finally one-up his arch-nemesis, Elon Musk, in the world's nerdiest billionaire space race 1. As space exploration becomes less about humanity's future and more about who can buy the next oversized toy, we can all look forward to seeing the ISS transformed into the world's most expensive bachelor pad.
Israel and Iran are at it again, trading airstrikes like they're collectibles on eBay 2. With Israel striking not just Iran but a bit of Syria and Iraq too, it's like they're trying to complete the Middle East Conflict Bingo. As we teeter on the edge of yet another war, it's comforting to know some things never change, like everything being on fire.
In a turn of events as predictable as the sun rising, the Yankees blew Game 1 of the World Series in a spectacular fashion—losing to a walk-off grand slam 3. It's comforting to know that some traditions remain unbreakable, like a New York team snatching defeat from the jaws of victory. Meanwhile, fan interference saw them scoreless on a pivotal play, proving once again that the real MVP is always the guy who paid for front-row seats 5.
A federal judge has temporarily halted Virginia's enthusiastic attempt to purge suspected noncitizens from voter rolls, ensuring that democracy remains as tangled and chaotic as ever 8. This decision reinstates 1,600 voters, a number that could sway an election or at least add a bit more spice to the pre-election drama. Who knew democracy could resemble a soap opera?
The McDonald’s E. coli outbreak has expanded, affecting at least 75 people across 13 states, because what's a Quarter Pounder without a side of potential organ failure?27. The restaurant chain is optimistic, however, announcing plans to rename the item to "The Roulette Burger," adding a delightful element of surprise to every meal.
Phil Lesh, the avant-garde bassist of the Grateful Dead, has left this mortal coil for the great jam session in the sky 10. Fans mourn the loss by holding vigils involving extensive air bass playing, wondering if the afterlife has any more surety than their old tour schedules.
A NASA astronaut was hospitalized after the crew's delayed return from the International Space Station, presumably debilitated by the realization that Earth is, indeed, still here and still terrible 12. It's rumored that even the slow-moving bureaucracy of NASA can't delay the crushing disappointment of returning to this gravity-bound purgatory.
Kamala Harris critiqued Trump over his inflammatory "garbage can" comment about migrants, essentially proving that political discourse in 2024 is about as elevated as a barroom brawl 11. Meanwhile, US intelligence revealed that a fake ballot destruction video was a Russian creation, making us question if our democratic process can withstand the combined assault of misinformation and politicians with Twitter accounts 14.
Lily Allen revealed that she earns more from selling foot photos than from her music streams 13. This revelation has shattered the illusion that the music industry is sustainable, giving hope to aspiring artists everywhere that the secret to success lies in their shoes (or lack thereof).
Delta Airlines is suing CrowdStrike after an IT outage resulted in thousands of cancellations, proving once again that technology is the true master of the skies 18. As passengers continue to be caught in airline chaos, Delta kindly reminds us that 'delay' is just an anagram of 'deal ya' as in, "deal ya another cancellation."